I'm sorry things have been so rough for you but... Your ex does not have to accept an apology, especially if you continue to do the things your ex was trying to get away from. Your ex does not owe you any explanation of what's going on in his life, he does not owe you forgiveness or anything. He is your ex. Things are not going to be okay if you continue to act in this manner.
It's good that you are trying to get help, I hope you continue to do so. Maybe try looking up some information online about boundaries with ex lovers, helping with obsessive thoughts, coping mechanisms or something to get you something to focus on when the urges to contact him are big.
Delete his number from your phone, and do not leave shit as his apartment. I understand you were trying to be nice but as an outsider if I was in his shoes that would really freak me out.
Perhaps focus on things you can use to ground yourself whne you start feeling out of control. Writing in a journal? Looking up stuff online? Taking up some sort of hobby?
(I know this is different but I tend to get really obsessive thoughts relating to death, and nothing can help if I end up reading something really horribly graphic that has happened to animals or kids and am unable to stop thinking about it or sleep for days at a time. In this time I've found to ground myself by either knitting (keeping hands busy tends to help) or finding a book to read and disconnecting from the internet etc)
Are you seeing any other doctor aside from your psych? One that does therapy as well as prescribes drugs?
You're right. Absolutely right. I never thought about things the way you said them. I wish I could just shut off the anxiety and such. But you're right. I don't know if you read my past post... the first one. I mean things were just ok about 3 weeks ago. It's crazy how fast things could change.
I want to give up on all this. I really do. I need to keep telling myself it's over.
Yes, I do see a therapist.
Again, I'm so sorry that came off the way it did. I did not mean to suggest there was no hope of anything. But you need to take care of you! I completely understand how things can change so quickly ( I did go back and search and read after commenting) and how that can throw things so off balance.
You are taking great steps, I have faith it will get better!!
This was actually the most depressing post I've ever read.
My mood has plummeted drastically. I want to cut myself so bad now.
I hope there are supports that you can access when things are as tough for you as they are now. Is there a friend you can call? a hotline? Anything you find that tends to help you when you get into these moods - something that occupies your hands, a shower, a walk, listening to loud music - whatever it is.
Feel free to keep posting here if it helps you. That's what this comm is for. I hope things start going better for you.
I'm trying now. I am trying to pick myself up. I'm just angry, and sad. But I am talking to a friend now. Trying to remember to breathe.
Thank you for posting here.
Call the local help line/suicide hotline in your area now. They're not just there to help people who are feeling suicidal, but for anyone having immediate issues (anxiety, cutting, etc) who needs someone to talk to. You should not handle this alone, so unless you can call your therapist out of the blue and he or she is willing to talk with you, you need to have someone to talk you through it and that's what the people on the help line are for.
I hope the new meds you're taking kick in soon and help with the anxiety you're feeling and keep you from wanting to contact your ex-boyfriend. As I'm sure you know, you need to leave him alone or face the consequences. It's also apparent that you need help right now to keep yourself strong and keep from giving in to those desires to contact him. The help line can give you that until the meds start to kick in. And if the meds kick in, but your desire to contact him is still there, you might want to consider finding someone to stay with for a week or two (friend? family?) to help be a support system for you and stop you when you have a desire to contact him. I'd also recommend erasing his number from your cell phone, which will make it more difficult to contact him when your anxiety takes over. This is the next best step, short of getting rid of your cell phone all together. You need to keep your cell phone as a contact line to your therapist or to the help line so you can use their support when needed.
If things continue to get worse, I think you need to take things to the next step. You've already taken yourself to the ER because you know things aren't right for you, which is a good way to help yourself. The next place where you can get help and protection (protection from yourself, and protection for your ex) is to voluntarily check yourself in for a 24 or 72 hour psych hold. Being away from the world and in a safe place for 24 or 72 hours may be what you need to calm yourself down, let the meds kick in and get through this.
Thank you. You've been such a great help with all your advice, and for sending positive vibes. I'm trying to calm down now. I am talking to a friend, and trying to remember to breathe. I will immediately call a help line if I go out of control.
I too, hope my med will work fast. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just get to the point where it's like I'm taking all these meds, and I'm still suffering. I know this community isn't about mental health, so every time I post here I feel really bad. I am embarrassed cus I feel like no one has dealt with my kind of problem on here... I mean people having to deal with a person like me on this community.
Relationships are about relating with others - partners, friends, family, neighbors. Mental health can play a big part in how we relate with others and they relate with us. I think it's perfectly valid to discuss it in a relationship forum because it can affect us all. I think it's also good for us to hear from you to get a first hand perspective on what anxiety can do and to kind of "humanize" the issue for those of us who have never experienced it ourselves, or had a partner who suffered with it. ...I mean, obviously, EVERYONE experiences anxiety, but not to the extent you and others with anxiety issues do, so we don't always understand how crippling it can be and how people who struggle with it seriously *struggle* with it to the point that it can make their day-to-day existence very difficult. So I think it's important for us to hear from you and get a real picture of how things are when you're struggling with these issues.
The real problem is not just the anxiety, but I am glad you guys are finding some use out of my posting here so much...but I have a diagnosis that doesn't mix well with interpersonal relationships. I suffer from borderline personality disorder. It could make anyone in the world run in the other direction.
"It could make anyone in the world run in the other direction."
Hey there. I was diagnosed with BPD too. And I know that if you read up on it, you might find that it's not so easy to treat successfully. And you'll read all about how your interpersonal relationships are just screwed for life. It's kind of awful, I know.
But I would like you to hear a story with a happier ending, if I may. I sincerely feel that I am 99% recovered, and that it's possible for others, too. Really, truly. I'm in the first healthy relationship of my life (at 26 years old), I have good control over my impulses an anxieties, and I feel like a whole person again (for the first time).
I have a lot of scars, but I am okay. It took a lot of therapy, but I'm just saying... it's not a death sentence for your love/social life. It's hard. Very, VERY hard, but it can get better.
(I assume you have heard of the book "Sometimes I Act Crazy," but if you haven't, I would highly recommend it. It didn't singlehandedly save me or anything, but it was helpful to me, for sure.)
As someone who has suffered from BPD too, I absolutely feel your pain in all this. Viscerally, even. But you *can* learn coping mechanisms, you *can* learn to resist dangerous impulses, and you *can* have healthy relationships. It starts with taking advice like what people have offered here, and it takes a long time, but... don't give in to hopelessness.
My mother has borderline personality disorder, untreated, sadly, since she doesn't recognize (or want to recognize) what's going on with her. It's created a lot of strained interpersonal relationships in her life, including with me. I didn't realize my mom has BPD until I was in my 30s, in graduate school, studying the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (including personality/emotional disorders), which is kind of the "bible" of all mental health and emotional disorders. I was studying to get my degree in educational counseling, which I decided was a good field for me partially because I come from such a dysfunctional family, and the DSM was part of those studies. As I read through the info on borderline personality disorder, it rang so true for me and my experience of my mother, that I felt I'd discovered why she was so different from so many other parents in so many ways. I ran the diagnosis by my own therapist who agreed with me that my mom has BPD. The confirmation was a pretty big breakthrough for my own personal growth and explained so much about my relationship with my mother.
Wanting to understand more of what BPD is and how it can affect the individual and the people the individual relates with (specifically mother-daughter relationships), I did a lot of research on the subject and learned a fair share about it. One of the big things I learned is that while anxiety often accompanies BPD and people who suffer with it can usually benefit from anti-anxiety drugs, talk therapy is the strongest and best help someone with BPD can get. Talk therapy is the best way to help you work through those emotional issues that seem so insurmountable when you suffer with BPD - specifically an almost irrational fear of rejection, which is something most people with BPD have to deal with. BPD can manifest in a lot of different ways - i.e., people who have it can show very different 'symptoms' to another person with the same disorder. But a majority of the symptoms are rooted in deep fears of abandonment and rejection which often get expressed in ways that show no one else's feelings matter but the person with BPD. Talk therapy can provide a basis of support and strength and put positive messages in your head to fall back on when those issues creep up or crash like a tsunami wave and threaten to overtake you.
I really wish my mom had taken the talk therapy route and worked through her issues, which I believe would have really helped her and helped us have a much better relationship. But she has an irrational mistrust of most therapists. When she was in her 30s, after going through a pretty stressful series of life events, she fell into a major depression and stopped working for 2 months. If you knew my mom, you'd know what a big deal this was for her, since she was a MAJOR workaholic and nothing gave more meaning to her life than her job. My mom actually took steps to see a psychologist during this time and went for a few sessions. Once the psychologist determined she was going through major depression, he sent her to a psychiatrist who could prescribe anti-depressants for her, but my mom refused. She didn't even want to take them for a few months to help her get through the depression. She fell back on her mistrust of any and all therapists and stopped seeing the psychologist, turning instead to religion and the church to help her through her issues...which unfortunately resulted in repression of those issues instead of helping her work through them in a healthy way.
Having seen firsthand what that kind of repression can do, I highly recommend talk therapy for anyone dealing with BPD. I know it would have helped my mom and made her a stronger person. Yes, she would have had to talk about and face some scary things from her past and some hard truths about herself, but it would have helped her in the long run and enabled her to be a more well-balanced person, which would have only helped her relationship with her family.
Thank you for sharing. I know if BPD goes untreated in CAN get better in someones late 30's. At least that is what one of my counselors said. At times I didn't care, didn't mind. But as you can see, as of late with all the visits to the E.R. all the pain my mind goes through cus of this break up: I want help now. I've been trying to work on worksheets that are from the only therapy that can help: dialectic behavior therapy.
I use to attend DBT, but it's an extremely hard therapy. I dislike it greatly. I would miss sometimes, and fell behind, then school would get in the way making me not able to attend. I'm transferring to a different college in January, and they do DBT at the hospital in the city. I am going to try to do it as long as school doesn't get in the way. I want to feel better.
I never have bad relationships with family members or friends. But this break up has been intense, extremely hard. I hope to get over it sooner than later. I'm afraid I'll be facing jail time soon though. I have a feeling my ex is going to show the police the texts I sent him. :(
As you mature, grow and have different life experiences, BPD can get better or get worse, as the case may be. Every person who has it reacts differently, and some exhibit more serious symptoms than most. In my mom's case, after her depression, she essentially shut down and repressed a lot of her emotions and continued her path of sexual shut down, which she'd started in her 20s and resulted in her depression. As she got older, her BPD got worse. She adopted me when she was in her mid-40s, wanting something to love her unconditionally. While she gave me a lot of material things (which she didn't have, growing up in a poor family), she didn't know how to give anything emotionally and didn't know how to respond to my emotional needs. As I grew up and needed more support and acceptance from her, as all kids do of their parents, it didn't happen. Her emotions centered around her deep fear of abandonment and rejection from me and other family members, so she created a world in which she tried to keep us as close to her as possible - physically and emotionally. Had she been engaging in talk therapy, she might have found some tools to help her deal with that fear of abandonment and create better relationships with her family. But since my mom didn't do that, and the more time she spent with me and other family members, the more attached and fearful she grew, her BPD only got worse as she got older.
Which is why I say again, talk therapy can only help. In my experience, BPD doesn't just magically "get better." And by talk therapy, I don't necessarily mean dialectical behavioral therapy. That isn't always the way to go. There are other schools of therapy and other types of therapists. When I say "talk therapy," I generally mean someone with a more Rogerian approach, based on the therapeutic teachings of Carl Rogers. He believed that the best therapy was to create a safe therapeutic environment simply by letting someone talk, by listening to them and reflecting back what they say. This "mirroring" or reflective listening approach can often be helpful in simply allowing someone the experience of feeling heard, feeling seen and understood, which is something all of us could use more of.
That said, Rogerian therapy can often be pretty non-directive. Meaning, a lot of Rogerian therapists do so much of the "uh huh, so you felt very sad when [whatever] happened. Tell me what happened next." And they hardly ever give you any direct advice or directives on how to change your behavior. That can be problematic when you're seeing a therapist with the intent to work on serious issues. But it can be helpful in establishing a safe, comfortable therapeutic environment. I prefer a therapist who is generally Rogerian, but also a little more directive when I need it. My therapist is very much that way and we have a good working relationship. She knows when to push me and when not to push me, which in my estimation, is the sign of a good therapist. The point of DBT is to be very directive and push you to do and talk about things in therapy that you may not be ready for. A gentler, more Rogerian approach might be what you need. Every city has local community counseling centers that operate on sliding scale fees, meaning you pay what you're able to afford per session. They can be very helpful in trying out several different therapists until you find one who is a good fit for you. It's kind of like buying a car. You have to try several out until you find one that feels right to you. If you don't feel comfortable working with the therapist or their therapeutic approach, you're not going to get a lot out of the sessions.
I don't know if that's the type of therapy for me. I'd get extremely frustrated. I do know a lot about therapy, seeing as I am a psych major. I've been seeing a therapist for almost 4 years now. I've seen 7 therapists during that time. Mainly because some retired, or I thought they weren't a good fit anymore. I currently like my therapists (I'm seeing 2, one who focuses on CBT, and the other looks at it from a more psychological stand point, I like him the best, mainly because of this, and because he's male).
DBT sucks. I hate it, I really do. But then again, I see how it is very helpful. I just don't feel like I'm the type of person to follow through with it. I think I could do just fine with talk therapy, and the use of certain meds.
I really want to thank you for all your input you've put on the matter. It's awesome to hear of your personal stories. I am sorry about how your mother had to endure so much pain. Having BPD is no fun - well duh! But I mean there is nothing good about it. I personally think it's the worst disorder to have. I'd rather go back to my major depression... rather than feel all these intense emotions.
No problem, you're welcome. As a psych major you'll study all the stuff you need to know to help take care of yourself the best, so it sounds like you picked the right field of study. You know what works for yourself best, therapeutically speaking, so I'm sure you'll find the right combination of ways to deal with it. And I hear you about not wanting to feel all the intense emotions. That's my particular issue - not wanting to feel, trying to hide from and compartmentalize my emotions. Dealing with those scary feelings makes me feel very vulnerable, and I hate feeling that way. So I know what you're talking about and know how overwhelming they can be, and it's probably 10 times more intense and overwhelming for you. I try to remind myself that feelings are there to remind us we're human. So very, very human!
I am so sorry that it was depressing. Please give a call 1-800-DON'T-CUT (1-800-366-8288), they can definitely help you and are non judgemental etc! :( Also might be of use 1-800-273-8255 which is a suicide prevention line (they are there to help with anything, not just suicide) and are trained.
Again, I'm so sorry. Please, please, please call one of the above numbers or talk to someone else (family? friend?) There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel!
1: Thyroid low? As in, your TSH is low, or your TSH is high? If your TSH is low, then you may be hyperthyroid, which could indeed contribute to anxiousness -- your entire metabolism revved up means that your mind tries to rationalize why you're in what's akin to a flight-or-fight mode. And if your TSH is very high, then that's hypothyroidism, and it can also make anxiousness and depression.
If your thyroid is not under control, it can contribute substantially to your emotional state! Can you get treatment for it? (Heck, if your thyroid is not under control, then any med you are on may not help as much as it could, because it's not addressing the thyroid problem.
What are your numbers? Do you know?
2: Your ex may never accept your apology, and may never respond to you again. And you have to be able to live with that lack of closure for you. It may be closure to him, and he may need to separate to move on. Find some ritual you can do, to give yourself closure, and try to find peace with the situation.
I'm afraid he won't respond, because he's made it very clear he doesn't want to be in touch with you any more, and if he did he'd be a. encouraging you, and b. being a hypocrite.
This means you won't get the closure you want, and anything you send his way will be left dangling from your point of view, which sucks. The more you try and be in touch the worse you will feel at his rejection and lack of response.
Also taking stuff to his place etc after all this - he could end up paranoid that you're watching him/stalking him etc - which isn't going to make him any nicer to you!
He really messed you around hooking up with you the other week. And to go from that to the way he's treating you now is NOT ok, but also the way you won't let him be and give him the space he needs is not ok either. You know this hence the 'I'm an idiot!' tag line...
But people aren't perfect.
And he's certainly Not the right man for you if it ends up like this!
Well done for venting on here.
Do call the help lines others have given you.
Do get the thyroid problem checked out. Our emotional states are scarily at the mercy of our bodies sometimes. Fixing this might help.
Work on grounding techniques (I think I gave you some ideas before?)
And on distress tolerance.
Accepting the emotions not fighting them. http://buddhists.livejournal.com/888766.html
- scroll down for comment wrt anger/emotions.
I know it's really hard.
And you're doing really well coming here.
And I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation, do keep fighting for the help you need.
And do delete your ex's number to make it that little bit harder to get in touch - write it down and give it to a friend if you must, but do NOT have it easy dial on your phone! Do this even if you've memorized his number. The time taking typing in each number will give you a chance to be sensible, stop freaking him out and, and resist the impulse.
And I second the others - if you can get away and stay with other people right now that would be wise!
Have you ever had any Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? That can teach you practical and helpful steps you can walk through when in difficult situations like this.
Meanwhile, think of something nice from your childhood, think of something nice that is separate from you ex, and every time you catch yourself thinking about him, tag on this other unrelated thought of a nice thing afterwards.
If you can write down some positive thoughts - they can be anything - a sunny day - a nice piece of music - a happy memory anything. Write them out. And when you catch yourself thinking negatively, immediately tag that thought with one of the positive ones. And if you go back to the negative one, that's ok, don't judge it, just tag it again with the positive one. For every negative thought add on these positive ones, even though they are often total non-sequiturs
Good luck and hang in there.
This too shall pass. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w